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| I see that you're beautiful, as I am not
I see that you are strong, and I am weak
You are wise, and I must be foolish
You are exalted, but I am humbled
Everyone loves you, but I am cast aside
It must be wonderful, for all those lies. =D
Random message I guess. XD
I feel kinda distressed... I don't understand lukewarm Christians @_@ God save me :[
Hm... I think I'll go sit outside for a bit.
I noticed that... being drawn closer to God each day, life's never looked so beautiful. I want the world to know my love for Christ, my life hasn't ever felt so peaceful. I've never felt so free before, my chains are gone completely :3
My heart's still sorta melted, I long to find "the one" for me, he must be a "Man of God"
Where are you, my beloved? =( *sigh* I'm enjoying my time being single, though. I don't feel tied down or oppressed. I do wish I had this super best friend though. :[ I miss laughing everyday ;o;
I'll be okay... just a little longer... then school will be here, and my journey will begin officially right when I get my prayers answered... God answered this one, I need to be studying more. @.@ i'll make it... I know I will, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
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| Two or three times last night I woke up with that nasty muscle spasm. It's like the tightening of muscles and hurts tremendously. I was there like, weeping in pain for maybe 20 seconds or less. I hate that.
My dream was disturbing and heart breaking.
It was more disturbing. But heartbreaking. Man, I'm an idiot. Haha.
I deserve to be shot.
If anything, it'd better be a shot for Jesus so make it worth dying for.
I guess numerous times God's been warning me maybe, or maybe I'm just being retarded, which that is a definite possibility.
I don't know how to act. In the real world I guess it's no problem, but online you'd take a look at my writings and think I was some psycho with mood swings. :/ Then you wouldn't even know the half of it.
I've turned into a loner, there's no doubt. No one bothers to message me, even when I message them, I get nothing 95% of the time. Then I notice how they're off talking to their friends. :/ I don't matter to them, I guess. Even though they matter to me. Hardly anyone understands. Christmas is going to be so lonely this year. I don't have anyone I can be myself with and bake them cookies or something. Gosh I miss that. I made my first ex Mike cookies before he loved them. Haha. He was all saying for me to bring him some when I brought it up. Rofl. His g/f can make him them. Oh but... No one makes cookies like mee. Haha.
You have no idea how much I want to harden my heart from everyone online and avoid going on the comp. But I can't avoid it, there's two very important people on here who mean a lot to me, and are the only ones who really know me. :[ I don't understand.
I don't understand this at all.
And then there's that.. forgive me, but like an annoying feeling that comes inside and tells me "Don't Worry" xX And it's aggrivating.
I feel like Meg from Hercules. :p I don't want anybody since I've practically sold my soul. @-@; Of course I didn
t, that stuff is mythical anyway, but the way I'm feeling, it is best to just remain alone and put aside such foolish fantasies and dreams. Giving up? I dunno. It'd be easier to shut out myself from people then to continue hurting. Barely anyone cares anyway. I can't discuss this with my family. Only one person I can tell all my crap to is Ren, and then God. I feel so isolated and it's cold. I'm practically fearing for myself.
I've always done my best to help out people when they'd be in distress. Now I have no strength too, I've grown weak and weary in the heart. Lost in the mind. Being ignored and put away in the trash to be eaten off of.
No one is here holding my hand, once you've been pulled into this chain of binding love, it's near to impossible to get out. It's so hard to be positive sometimes. I'd be worse off if I didn't have the Spirit in me. Then sometimes this life gets too painful I can hear the "I'm with you" Who am I, anyway? One single person on a world with billions? We're all so unworthy. Though we're not needed, we're wanted. How amazing is that?
Out of selfishness I say "let the world end" but inside I'm somehow willing to go on, for the sake of others, I was given the chance, everyone else should too. I've planted the seeds I could, all I can do now is wait for the Gardener to do His duty. It takes months for plants to grow. Sometimes years. But if a bad seed is planted, nothing will come out of it at all.
Meh. :<
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| I'm such a girrlll. I guess I do get jealous easily.... Eh I remember always trying not too. But I'm naturally not nice.... well I AM nice... I'm not saying I'm naturally mean :p I'm just human I guess. xX' -sigh- I'm stupid. ;( I feel so confused about these feelings. I don't want to make any mistakes. I AM SUCH A DORRKKK. I don't like the way I am............;~; Eh well... whenever my time comes I just hope it's in peace. I have wayyy too many thoughts racing through my head. I really, really miss loving and being loved. This isn't making sense... I'm almost done with treatment...almost there again... maybe I'll get to be back at school January... heh I still haven't started my homebound HW. -_-; Just... no motivation. | | |
| It all makes sense now. Everything just clicked together. I understand so much now. It almost weirds me out. But I get it. o_o I feel like gloating. GLOATTT. xomgggg.................... So now I must write down this all... just in case... I doubt I'd forget... I just need to keep this knowledge in me..and not let it trail away... it can the next time I'm in love since love makes you do all this shit you usually end up regretting. but omg. I feel happy about this. But then I'm sad inside. But happy. BOTH. You have no idea what I'm talking about. All this time... selfishness... whoaaa. It takes a lot of patience, and a heck of a lot of time, but one day surely... YAYYY. See it all clicks together. =) All this time it's been our happiness.... what about God??? I GET IT ALL NOW. OMG!! I feel so STUPID. Rebelling, questioning, xomg!!!! We're all put on this world in debt of our sins... we're forgiven through Christ....... it doesn't matter in life what you do... I mean you're SUPPOSED to be good and not kill, not go all insane and stuff, because during life you have to accept it is unfair at times but there are good times and super times and really scary tragic sick times, you can be the nicest person in the world and get screwed over, you can be evil and never get a disease, but when you die that's the END you meet your ONE AND ONLY GOD/MAKER and BAM you're in heaven, or you're in hell. :D While I'm young.. this age... I have to friggin take advantage of this............. I've seen so much, been through so much, heard it all, done...nothing...YET. I can't type my thoughts. I can't make sense out of this. I need to list or something. But you guys would go all --- XOMG WAT R U SAYIN1?~@?!@#?!?# UR A N00B LOZLZOZLZOLZZZ o_o; okay so... I need to make my cousin Callie just like me... well.. the knowledge thing... she listens to me on everything, and since I'm so smart and get it all, she's gonna be so friggin wise she'll be able to conquer everything! I wish I had someone like me when I was her age. ;( And when I'm older, adopt a little girl :D and give her everything I couldn't get from my parents.. i mean... my life... school... I've always wanted something similar to my cousins, well I'll do this for my baby. :D So ya. I gotta write this all down. Starting tomorrow I'm going to read read read. Studdyy. I feel so behind. Considering I am. :/ THANKYOU GOD FOR THIS DISEASE. Now for the rest of my life, which I now understand, if not from this cancer, xX gosshh. hahaha you probably think I sound crazy. :p But really I'm fine. ^^ I understand now... I'm free | | |
| Xanga got cooler. Hm. Kinda makes me want to post again. I don't like managing a blog on my own site. :/ I guess I'm a weirddooo. *shot* So I'll post again. ^_^
I'm so proud of myself how far I've come with webmaking and graphics. And I LURV my style, it's sorta different from everyone elses, and I do my best to think outside the box. =p You know, being creative.
So I'm on radiation therapy now. My boyfriend broke up with me while I was in the hospital. haha. But that was 2 months ago, I think I'm starting to get over him.... but I can't help but have this sad feeling inside that I do my best to ignore. But I feel calm and peaceful and not like...overly sad. Like right now I'm sooo sleepy and tired but I wanna stay up the whole day. Eh.... I really loved him. All the things we've said to eachother.... he threw it all away. >.< Chya whatevers. I'll find someone again one day, right now I'll take it easy and take this time to get BETTER for MYSELF and my family and friends. I've learned way too much in this experience... I'm done now... I want to go home and live my usual life once again....
surely... surely I will
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